marriage manifesto

In a word, reciprocal. I want a marriage that is an equal yoking of two individuals, each who give 100% effort and contribution to the relationship. I want to be able to talk to the other person on the same level about things that are important to each of us. I want to use language that is fluid and fluent to each of us, that we can both say exactly what we feel and mean and can convey that to the other person with minimal distortion. I want a relationship built on the cornerstone of empathy, on giving the other person the benefit of the doubt before passing judgment on their motives or their action. Where both people strive to understand the other person and not simply press to be understood. I want to listen to my spouse's concerns and hopes and dreams - and for her to listen to mine as well. To really hear what I'm saying, picking up on and understanding the underlying emotions that fuel my fire in life. I want equality in purpose and drive. I want to not feel like we are competing for justice or love or time. I want openness and honesty and trust from both sides, so that each person feels completely, 100% able to say what they feel about a situation - to express their deepest fears w/o ridicule, to be transparent and vulnerable without fearing the other person will fail to acknowledge (or worse, trample upon) their heart. I want passion in the relationship, in making daily efforts to understand the other person and what goes in to making them who they are. A passionate, deep-seated current of love that runs through the relationship, saturating it at every level. A passion that joins both people together at the heart, filling them each so that they feel they cannot contain the emotion in their own body, and that it flows out through the way they interact with one another - and with the world. That the fierce love and appreciation of one another as individuals and as members of humanity so impacts them that they cannot help but respond to one another - and to the world - with reciprocal love. I want a love that is truly the opposite and total abdication of power and control. A love where neither person feels the need to have control in the relationship, that there's no need to hold back. A love that is not perceived to be constantly at stake, a love that does not have to be earned through actions. A love that permeates and persists despite the ups and downs we each have internally. A love that exists in the relationship because it exists in each individual. I want freedom - not freedom from the relationship, but freedom within the relationship. Freedom for both people to express who they are without judgment, freedom to embrace time apart with the same fervor as time together, for it is in the presence of each that the other has value. I want to feel cherished, to feel that I have value as an individual, as a person, as a member of the community of humanity. I want to feel like my desires and dreams in life, however far-flung or ludicrous or ill-formed at the moment, are valuable and worthwhile. I want to laugh and have fun in life with my spouse, to easily see and dwell on how funny life is, even in the tiniest of moments. I want to laugh at the differences between people - not simply at humorous things, but a sort of heh-oh-wow-look-at-that-how-interesting-I-can't-help-but-be-wonderfully-amazed-at-the-world-and-it-makes-me-so-happy kind of laugh, where my face smiles at the subtle differences because my heart is smiling on the inside. I want a marriage where both people strive everyday to be happy and to make the other person happy. I want a marriage where both people find fuel and vigor for life everywhere, where pain and suffering and happiness and joy and angst and confusion are all ingredients that we need to survive, and each are tasty in their own way. I want a marriage where both people strive to reduce chaos in the world. Where our shared values for what is good and right in the world directly translates to what is good and right for us at home. Where messes and annoyances are understood to be part of life, but are viewed as temporary things that each person seeks to remedy as soon as they are able; not where messes and annoyances are just tangible manifestations of the emotional condition of both people. I want peace, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I want a marriage where neither person cares about being right, where right and wrong don't really even matter, but where it is the discussion of everything that is the enjoyment. Where both people are able to look at every side of something and find truth there. Where "your way" and "my way" are truly, truly able to melt together and become "our way." A marriage where everything is reciprocal, that each gives all they can without fear or guilt or shame, and where even if they do feel those things, that its safe to talk about it, without judgment or criticism. Where excuses and defenses aren't needed, and thus aren't used. Reciprocity. Partners. Benefit of the doubt. Love. Freedom. Abdication of power. No control. Love. Laughter. Fun. Dreams. Concerns. Peace. Life.