irony

two days after changing jobs, i received this fortune from pei wei. either the asians are further behind in their predictive technologies than we think, or i need to eat chinese food more often.

"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

whether or not this is real, it's still fairly entertaining. got it from a friend on MySpace.

The 1st part is a girl's apology email for cheating.

2nd is his HILARIOUS response which was forwarded to his entire address book and is now circulating everywhere? please continue the string of Humiliation.

------------------------------------

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can Say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

------------------------------------

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

worship me

Are you the Messiah?? Yes! You are the messiah!

Click Here to Take This Quiz

of all the dumb ass quizzes on youthink.com, they finally got one right.

funny bunny

In case you missed it last year, here is "It's a Wonderful Life" in 30 seconds...re-enacted by bunnies.

Enjoy.

coupla things

anyone know why blogger is so friggin' slow the last few days?

no job = too much time online. today, the gluttony was spent on collegehumor. followed a link from there, and found an humorous blog describing the various levels of being a douchebag.

also found this shirt on bustedtees that struck me as slighly more clever than most of their half-wit shirts:

















anyone for lumpy's on thursday?

regressing toward the mean

if you live in the okc area and don't watch the 10 o'clock news broadcasts, you are really missing out on some fantastic comedy. doesn't really matter which channel, though i think that channels 4 (nbc) and 5 (abc) are the best. tonight's leading story on channel 5 opened with a graphic of a map of okc and the words "pizza delivery man assaulted."

and now, what i consider a wonderfully insightful comment from tc:

"The best part about academic writing is that you don't have to commit to anything with a skillfully worded sentence."

indeed, my friend, indeed.

skortman

OH MY DEAR LORD. this is definition of disturbing.

http://www.skortman.com/

damn i'm bored

while reading comments on alt's blog, the point was made that pointless images and listless stories rarely elicit the same response as "abrasive, crude, and often personally attacking" the "big issues" of life and religion (especially Christianity, or the whatever it is we have now).

but, lo and behold, there is hope for those of you who (1) have meaningless, petty blogs with no readers, or (2)have meaningless, petty lives in which you only read my blog. your hope can be found on amazon in the form of a book entitled Blogging: Genius Strategies for Instant Web Content.

interestingly enough, i found the book on a blog dedicated to festivus. man i love seinfeld.

obligatory

happy thanksgiving, suckers.

R.I.P.

at long last, sam, three-time winner of the world's ugliest dog contest, has passed on to the ugly dog afterlife. in honor of this crispy little guy's blessed demise, again the picture of sam that i posted in july:
/can i get a side of ranch, please?

gentlemen, start your mowers

i had almost forgotten about the glorious site, letsmow.com, which represents the lawn mower racing association on the web. please peruse their galleries for your speedy landscaping enjoyment.

this is the end

last weekend of grad school coming up. probably going to do some kind of celebration on saturday night. more details on that soon. let me know if you have anything to suggest/offer.

with the end of school comes the final paper and presentation. since i'm working on that all week, please feel free to drink your jesus juice and read the most recent posts on hopeless.

it's so good once it hits your lips...

/one seat, please.

halloween 2

This guy went as "blind patriotism" for Halloween.

Props for both creativity and humor.

halloween

this has always seemed to be one of the "second-rate" holidays of the year. more than anything, halloween has always seemed to be a necessary marker on the road to the "true" holiday season of thanksgiving, christmas, and new year's. however, in recent years it seems that halloween has been attempting to make a move to into the celebratory limelight, a move which certainly makes econmic sense.

halloween, like most other holidays, has become a cash cow for the american economy, and with proper marketing, it posesses the potential to rival christmas for profit margins. think about it: billions of consumer goods are manufactured for one day's worth of usage. a list: 1. decor. the season to have them up is a couple of weeks at most. yet, some people put up as many pieces of decor for this one holiday as they do for the entire month of december. and much of the decorations are cheaply made and designed to only last one year: fake spider webs, window clings, pumpkins, etc.

2. costumes. millions of people dress in stupid costumes on this day. many people may wear the same christmas sweater year in and year out, but find it customary - even necessary - to have different costumes each year. likewise, parents everywhere are buying cheap plastic outfits of current cartoon superheros that will be lucky to last through tonight, much less an entire year. and even if they do, they will not fit the child any more, or they will not want the same costume. the costume craze benefits other sectors of the retail industry as well, for certainly the existance of the "party store" centers on the halloween holiday. masks, capes, rented wigs, fake blood, excessively expensive (yet cheap) makeup, etc. - all for this one day.

3. candy. trillions of pieces of sugary goodness being devoured just moments after aquisition - what could exemplify the american society more than our drive to consume candy? the goal of the holiday for most children is to take in as much of the product as they can, so that they can consume more of it than their peers. in doing so, they are not only falling prey to american consumerism, but also to the american tradition of growing a huge ass.

4. alcohol. probably not as big of a deal as some of the summer holidays, but if you're like me, it's going to take some decent amount of booze to get me feeling comfortble in whatever ridiculous costume i've created during the afternoon.


photos from this forum on fark.com.

i'll post when i'm good and ready, dammit.

one of the poverty-stricken mentally ill individuals that i work with scrounged up enough money to order (via catalog) a leather jacket for another, even more poverty-stricken mentally ill individual, just because she felt bad for him having to wear jean jackets in the winter. she had me give it to him because she wanted to remain anonymous. i am continually amazed at the selfless attitudes of some people, particularly when seen in such stark contrast to the egocentric greed of those around them. i increasing hope that certain poor individuals will indeed inherit the earth.

cognitive behavior

found a great website today: thinkexist.com. reportedly they have over 190,000 searchable quotes from over 17,000 authors. naturally, you have to pay to get some of them, but the freebies are worthy entertainment as well. found some nice onces about christianity (taylor, if you're reading this, you should definitely check it out.)

i continue to struggle with my career options. still thinking about firefighter, though my fat, lazy ass disagrees. i think i'll go have some ice cream and play San Andreas while I contemplate my future...

garage

saw cross canadian ragweed last night at the wormy dog, and got a copy of their new cd to boot. good show, even if none of my friends went.

/loser


also, the job hunt is still on. recent events have again fueled my fire of wanting to leave hope, and so i've been talking with new york life, of all people. and if that doesn't work out, maybe i'll be a firefighter.

bandwagon theology

i guess i'll jump on the social observation/theological conversation bandwagon with tc and alt. i do this for two reasons: (1) i am tired of trying to remember my thoughts on the subject until i see one of them (at which time i am usually drinking and do not feel it is polite to discuss religion or politics), and (2) because i had a ridiculous day full of pop-christian cliches, culminating with my visit to mardel this evening, and i just can't take it any more.

i saw a van today, which had the following written on it's back door:

If your Religion doesn't
take you to Church,
it might not
take you to heaven.

then i went to mardel. then on the way home from there, i see the sign at tulakes baptist that says:

not believing in god hurts like hell.

taylor, i hope these guys opt for the shit in the mouth.

shameless plug

again, i am plugging my link for getting a free ipod.

http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=15144288

if you still have doubts about this, cast them aside b/c it is indeed a legit thing. you can see joe's blog for his posts regarding his real-life free ipod. i have but one completed offer, from none other than alt. so, if four of you would be so kind as to complete an offer (several are only $1, and are easily cancelled within the trial time). I'll even pay you $5 to complete a $1 offer, thus you would make $4.00! if you don't help, i'll be forced to find a crackhead w/ an ipod and give him the five spot.

shameless.

midgets and bad music

after doing my usual scouring of fark.com today, i came across three stories i felt worth mentioning.

first, and possibly the most disturbing, both michael jackson and prince plan to record songs to benefit the victims of hurricane katrina. benefit would be the humorous word here, in case you are comedically challenged.

second, bob denver - who played gilligan on gilligan's island - died last friday. apparently he drowned at sea, and after his body washed ashore they were able to release the news to the press.

and third, just a link to a story about midget bull fighters, because what's funnier than a story that starts out saying "the unnerving thing in the bullring at this dusty central Mexican town is that bull and bullfighter are standing eye to eye, both about four feet high."

Man Accused Of Abusing Prairie Dog

i don't know that i can relay this article from denver, colorado any better than it already is, so here's the direct quote:

"Man Accused Of Abusing Prairie Dog
DOW: Prairie Dog Spray Painted

POSTED: 9:41 am MDT August 26, 2005

A Western Slope man was cited for allegedly abusing a prairie dog by spray painting it bright orange.

The Colorado Division of Wildlife cited Chad Reiner for cruelty to animals, illegal possession of wildlife and harassing wildlife.

According to witnesses, Reiner was working at a construction site in Fruita Wednesday when he caught the prairie dog, tied a rope around its neck and spray painted it."

source link here

sick day

so i'm going to post twice today, because i have fallen victim of food poisoning courtesy of snu's dining source, sodexho marriott, and i have nothing better to do.

anyhow, here is a link that i meant to post last week. thought many of you ('specially taylor) would find it interesting, and perhaps even thought-invoking.

so, who likes creepy megachurches?

all i wanna do is a zuba-zub-zub!

i was struck this week by the continual humor we are permitted in this life. the particular instance which grabbed my attention was the sighting of zubaz pants on several occasions around town. one occasion was an unfortunate young boy wearing them while mowing his jungle of a yard. no doubt his mother told him not to wear his "good jeans," but rather to wear his father's hand-me-down dallas cowboys-colored zubaz.

the second, and perhaps more frightening, occasion was a man who lives on my street. oddly enough, he was also out mowing his lawn, but was doing so with an electric lawnmower. (wait for just minute to draw your conclusions about that - any hint of doubt will be erased henceforth.) his zubaz of choice sported not the supportive colors of a professional football team, but rather the distinct print of pink floyd's dark side of the moon album cover.
i have not the words to describe the joy/splender/abhorrence i experienced when i saw those pants.

i know that there are probably those of you who are already wondering about it, so yes, your dreams can come true. the pants are for sale on ebay.

dr j is a sick, sick man

courtesy of noel, i bring you "gem sweater." consider this your warning.

"with these shoulder pads i have the strength to destroy villages, homes, and crops."

this just in

well shucks, joe read my last post, so the cat's out of the bag, i suppose. gimme another week to get things finalized, and i'll post a 'summary of hopeless crap and other memoirs' about everything that's gone on.

or, on second thought, how about i just move on. if you're reading this, you probably know me and already are privy to the antics at my workplace. no need to cry over spilled beer.

incidentally, i don't think that i've posted a link to taylor's page yet. he's making braggard comments via ms paint that he is a minesweeper deity, as well as some insightful posts concerning other deities and diets. i say that because it just occured to me that it's almost too ironic that we spell words related to god and food one letter different.

sometimes the qualities we consider to be american so blatantly speak for themselves that i wonder how social philosophers maintain job security. except, of course, for the fact that they probably don't work in the first place.

"now i've got my foot back. that's all i wanted."

so this guy - "an artist, occasional hip-hop emcee, and recovering meth addict" - keeps his foot in a bucket (right) on his friend's porch. i cannot possibly do the story justice by re-telling it here, so feel free to follow the link and read it yourself. (courtesy of noel).

morning wood

certain victims of hurricane emily are apparently coping with the devastation of the storm by practicing their pocket pool. (notice man in foreground, left)

if this offends you, try being the lady in the yellow shirt next to him.

Mugshot Mania

The Smoking Gun: Archive

an enjoyable collection of 15 mugshots from no-name individuals who possess an uncanny ability to be photogenic in all the wrong ways. points for the guy with the shaved head mullet.

abandonment issues

today i learned that yet another individual whom i have admired for their therapeutic abilities will be withdrawing from my current circle of influence. aside from various supervisors at work, today's announcement signifies the loss of a second supervisor at my internship as well.

perhaps the aspect of this departure that is most odd (and troubling) is that i have felt in myself a "hardening" toward these losses, as if my psyche is attempting to guard against any pain that may result from the abandonment it feels.

also interesting in this situation is the realization that all of the departures have actually occured at a beneficial time in my life, or at least at a point where change is imminent and expected anyway. perhaps the change feels odd to me because i was expecting to be the one leaving these people, not the one being left.

boredom breeds creativity

some mind find it odd, or trivial, or contrite, or stupid, or whatever to paint one's lawnmower, and it's a point well taken, i assue you. but, if you're going to have to use an old, cranky mower, then i deem it necessary to make the most of what you've got.

ultra-conservatives, unite!

WholesomeWear

glad to know that my mind can be free of impure thoughts when visiting this website full of young women wearing swimsuits. we'll label it NSFW (not safe for wussies)

i need a side of ranch, please

if you haven't already seen it, this is the winner of the "ugliest dog in the world" contest:

to be completely honest, i'm not entirely sure this thing won't suck out your soul.

i figure that either the hits on my blog will either jump dramatically in the coming days, or completely stop all together.

you mean i can blog for free?

i pay a monthly fee to have my own domain, which i signed up for with the full intention of using it as both a personalized email service and an online journal. worked great, for a time, until i got busy with school and decided it wasn't worth the effort. then this country went blog-crazy, and suddenly it became waay easier to just post on here from wherever i may be. so, indeed, i signed up for my own little blog.

in all reality, i will probably crap out on this, too, eventually. but, with some hope, i can aid joe and tyler in griping about work, if nothing else. i mean, hell, it's not like i have anything else to do...