stagnation on everest

there have been dozens of moments since my last post in which i felt inspired to blog, but like millions of others, i've moved away from blogger to more interactive services such as facebook and twitter. somewhere along the way i apparently decided that i can express myself just as adequately in 140 characters as i can in a long blog post. and perhaps for the most part that's true. but i also realized that its not just my creative production that has been truncated; it's my inspiration as well. lengthy, well-developed theories and postulates and theses on relationships and god and love have given way to abbreviated statements of observation designed to be consumed and discarded.

this realization came to me as i sat in my office, staring at my desk, seemingly waiting for the next fleeting moment of inspiration/motivation/need/request/information to strike my brain and jolt me into action. i've become so conditioned to simply respond to external stimuli that i have noticed that my skill in accessing and utilizing my intrinsic motivations has decreased. apparently, as you get better at reacting, you get worse at simply acting. i feel as thought my ability to have original thought (call it inspiration or motivation or whatever) has been compromised. i long for the days when my mind was full of ideas and my heart was filled with excitement at making those ideas reality.

at my core i will always be a scientist, and so naturally my first inclination is to figure out why and/or how this changed occurred. was it the long, cold, dark winter? is it an increase in my intake of caffeine or sugar or calories in general? is it simply a neurological shift that occurred slowly and is just now noticeable? is it that the genius who lives in my walls has gotten lame?

i don't have an answer to those questions. after several days of dwelling on it, i decided that figuring out the cause doesn't always have to come before working on the solution. so, i've started working on identifying and testing solutions. i've been watching TEDTalks during lunch, spending scheduled time in silent introspection, and talking to people whose opinion and insight i value and trust. i'm not there yet, but it's a start.

i know i can excel at doing the day-to-day requirements of my job - just like i always knew i could pass any test in school. if my boss gives me a task, i get it done quickly, without errors, and great quality. that's easy; that's the minimum required. i'm not looking to just do the minimum. hell, i'm not satisfied with B+ level work. i want an A.

i think this is the problem i've run into with most of my jobs. my employer doesn't expect much from me; at least, they expect much less than what i know i'm capable of, and therefore meeting their expectations isn't really a challenge. i'm thankful that my current employer gives me great latitude in my position. i may not see or speak with my boss for days (or weeks) at a time, and its generally up to me to keep our programs running smoothly. and they do, because, again, that's the minimum.

i want to be the best. i want to design programs that deliver world-class care and services to our clients. i want my staff to be the most engaged, proficient, and satisfied staff possible. i want other agencies to look to us for inspiration and partnership and support not because we're the largest, but because we're doing the best work. i want to do all this because our clients deserve it and because it needs to be done.

this is my everest.