herd theory

awhile back i developed what i call the "herd theory of relationships," and have discussed it at some length with a couple of friends. since that time, i have come to see further implications of the theory, and thus felt it necessary to share here.

the herd theory is built upon the basic premise that humans have evolved over time from some lower species that operated in large herds that contained one (or at most, just a few) males and a large number of females. similar to a pride of lions, perhaps...think of the lion king.

to apply this to modern day mankind, i believe that each male views the females in his life - especially the single ones - as members of his "herd." as members, the male feels a need to protect the females and watch over them, provide for them, and be strong for them in times of weakness.

females (who, by the way, may or may not be aware of the existence of herds at all) may be members of several different herds, each headed up by a different male. when a female marries another male, the head male of her original herd mourns the loss of one his members, as she then the key member of her husband's heard. when a male meets a female whom he deems worthy and desires her to be in his herd, and finds out she is already a member of another herd (i.e. married, dating, etc.), he ignores/suppresses this fact until he meets the other male. at that time, a handshake occurs, which is the modern day equivalent of two antelopes butting heads on the plains.

with this in mind, lets take a darwinian fast-forward to look at the transition from tribal to modern-day urban communities. it seems that over time, certain qualities evolve to become more desirable than others. the primary example of this is that while being big and strong may be beneficial in a tribal community, it is less important if you live in, say, 21st century minneapolis. so how have all the weaklings survive? was it solely the work of being protected by the strongmen?

i'd like to think that at some point, people realized that being strong may not always be the best status, and that being intelligent (or better yet, wise) might be more advantageous, as having the discernment to know what fights to pick and which ones to avoid might keep you alive longer. and so, the wisest people in society started to become the Chosen Ones. wise men married wise women, as they were the best at raising wise children and thus perpetuating the lineage of wisdom.

and so, that's my narcissistic argument for why the modern day guru - the psychotherapist - is the top of the food chain.

blame it on the rain

gary england said today that okc has received rainfall for the last 15 days straight. the map (left) shows total rainfall for this area over the last 30 days. cripes, i feel like an extra in evan almighty.

incidentally, a few days ago john stewart poked fun at gary england an episode of the daily show. definitely worth a look.

damn rain.

i think we're dying

love

i suppose this is somewhat related to my marital manifesto that i posted on my [former] myspace blog (and recently copied to this one), though i feel this is of infinitely greater importance, for it is this upon which a marriage should be based. also, i realize that my beliefs are likely in opposition to those by whom i am employed. i can't help but feel that they're missing something.

i was asked how this relates to marriage, to how i see god being invovled in marriage. to answer, my reply must begin with my conception of god.

i maintain a belief in some sort of higher being, though i readily admit that i relate to this greater reality in many different ways, because i feel that we cannot adequately describe whatever he/she/it is with even the most eloquent language. because i was raised in the southern united states, i have been taught to describe love in terms of the Christian God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, and so that is the default method of how i relate to this...presence, being, whatever. for me, god is love.

for me, the description of god and the description of love begin at the same place. i'm convinced that if all languages had a singular term for love (or equally different terms for different types of love), and that all the terms for love and for god or gods or supreme being or great spirit or enlightenment or allah or greatest whatever were replaced with this term that crosses all geographical, cultural, and religious barriers, that the world would look at their religion, at the key tenets of belief in humanity and everything else, in a considerably different light. it would cease to become my god vs. your god or my beliefs vs. your beliefs, and would shift to my love is your love is also how we all know and experience and share love.

as a child, my family would convey love by saying things like "i love you thirty bushels" or "i love you a million billion trillion bushels," with the intent to try and top the other person's concept and amount of love. similarly, i have a dear friend who speaks love with her child by comparing it to numerous things in nature, such as "more than all the grains of sand on the earth" or "more than all the stars in the heavens." the truth is, our attempts to try and imagine all the love in the world, to feel its height and width and depth and density, is an ultimately futile endeavor, because the love of god (that is, love itself) is far greater than our minds are capable of imagining. picture the largest thing you can imagine, and love is still greater than that. makes your brain hurt.

love is. it is the life-force that exists within every person, between every person, in the air and water and land around us. i suppose i crudely equate it with the idea of the Force on star wars, in that love is in an around everything, and that for some it is stronger than for for others. and we all experience love (and if you will, god) in different ways. i have a very difficult time imagining that god is limited to merely the ways christians experience god - i personally feel that i can equally experience god through a traditional christian worship service, buddhist meditation, laughing and playing with children, song and dance, helping the poor and needy, and reading the stories of humanity's past that have been enscribed as sacred texts for many different religions. who am i to limit the way god reveals himself to humanity? love crosses all borders.

can you imagine if everyone embraced love with the same fervor? if everyone embodied love to each person they interacted with each day - imagine what it would be like to feel safe when you were vulnerable, to be transparent with others and let the know the true you without fear of judgment or retribution or obliteration! imagine what it would be like if even every person took this approach with just one person in their life! what if everyone truly loved just one other person?

and so, i suppose this bring us to marriage. in my observation of humanity and interpersonal interactions, it is hard to not acknowledge how some people seem to just fit together better than others. (i have often debated the idea of the soulmate, and i am still undecided on the issue, but have new thoughts on it.) for me, marriage is a wonderful institution; it is a sacred union between two people who are best suited for helping one another experience love. it needs to be the combination of two whole persons, both of whom are filled to the brim with love, perhaps even overflowing with it, so much so that their union produces a third aspect of life, a whole 1+1=3 phenomenon, where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. this is the true experience of love in a marriage! - where both people are so deeply committed to embodying love to humanity as a whole that their combination creates an outpouring of love to all they encounter, both individually and together. it's like little individual all-star teams, where both parties work so incredibly well together that they enhance each other's ability to perform. (this compounding effect of love is explained very well from a christian perspective by rob bell in his video flame. definitely worth a look. you can also look at his nooma website for additional videos; rhythm is incredibly appropo as well.)

for some (we often refer to them as saints in the catholic church), this union need not take place with another human, but with love (god) itself. and really, i'm increasingly convinced that it should be the realization that such a union would be acceptable and agreeable and beneficial that is the precursor to even considering marriage to another human. if we cannot be whole and filled with love on our own, how is it that we are able to give it to someone else? i feel far too many people enter marriage with the expecation that the other will complete them somehow, and this is unhealthy. we need not complete someone, they need to complete themselves, and then are capable of rolling alongside us.

for me, marriage is peace, not chaos. marriage looks like deep green grass blowing in the breeze; it is dark hardwood floors and neutal colored walls, lots of windows with sheer curtains, contemporary leather furniture, clean lines, soft linens. it has lots of mirrors for good self reflection, and it also has bright works of art on the walls that puncuate the peace by which they are surrounded. marriage is not a cluttered apartment with red walls that are splattered with orange and yellow paint; where tables and chairs must be cleaned off in an effort to create a momentary spot of peace in an otherwise chaotic space. marriage is refuge, marriage is rest, marriage is love.

no more myspace

well, today i deleted my myspace account. i realized i better blog about this because, well, i can't quit being online completely. also, the benefit of just blogging over myspace as a whole is that everything i post on here is public domain - there is no significant aspect of my online persona on this blog that is hidden from those who read it (i.e. no personal messages being sent or received).

What I am trying to say is basically my explanation for deleting my myspace. I have come to believe that the internet and its numerous online communities (such as myspace, facebook, friendster, chat rooms, and other social networking sites) create a seemingly limitless number of opportunities for us to compartmentalize our lives. We can create ourselves new each time, even multiple times within the same community, thus embodying whatever version of ourselves we wish to be in order to interact with whomever we like.

i'm not saying that compartmentalization is entirely bad, and certainly for some people it's different than for others. for me, right now, i'm looking for wholeness; for a greater sense of unification within my self. and really, for a greater richness of relationship with everyone in my life. transparency. honesty. openness. love.

marriage manifesto

In a word, reciprocal. I want a marriage that is an equal yoking of two individuals, each who give 100% effort and contribution to the relationship. I want to be able to talk to the other person on the same level about things that are important to each of us. I want to use language that is fluid and fluent to each of us, that we can both say exactly what we feel and mean and can convey that to the other person with minimal distortion. I want a relationship built on the cornerstone of empathy, on giving the other person the benefit of the doubt before passing judgment on their motives or their action. Where both people strive to understand the other person and not simply press to be understood. I want to listen to my spouse's concerns and hopes and dreams - and for her to listen to mine as well. To really hear what I'm saying, picking up on and understanding the underlying emotions that fuel my fire in life. I want equality in purpose and drive. I want to not feel like we are competing for justice or love or time. I want openness and honesty and trust from both sides, so that each person feels completely, 100% able to say what they feel about a situation - to express their deepest fears w/o ridicule, to be transparent and vulnerable without fearing the other person will fail to acknowledge (or worse, trample upon) their heart. I want passion in the relationship, in making daily efforts to understand the other person and what goes in to making them who they are. A passionate, deep-seated current of love that runs through the relationship, saturating it at every level. A passion that joins both people together at the heart, filling them each so that they feel they cannot contain the emotion in their own body, and that it flows out through the way they interact with one another - and with the world. That the fierce love and appreciation of one another as individuals and as members of humanity so impacts them that they cannot help but respond to one another - and to the world - with reciprocal love. I want a love that is truly the opposite and total abdication of power and control. A love where neither person feels the need to have control in the relationship, that there's no need to hold back. A love that is not perceived to be constantly at stake, a love that does not have to be earned through actions. A love that permeates and persists despite the ups and downs we each have internally. A love that exists in the relationship because it exists in each individual. I want freedom - not freedom from the relationship, but freedom within the relationship. Freedom for both people to express who they are without judgment, freedom to embrace time apart with the same fervor as time together, for it is in the presence of each that the other has value. I want to feel cherished, to feel that I have value as an individual, as a person, as a member of the community of humanity. I want to feel like my desires and dreams in life, however far-flung or ludicrous or ill-formed at the moment, are valuable and worthwhile. I want to laugh and have fun in life with my spouse, to easily see and dwell on how funny life is, even in the tiniest of moments. I want to laugh at the differences between people - not simply at humorous things, but a sort of heh-oh-wow-look-at-that-how-interesting-I-can't-help-but-be-wonderfully-amazed-at-the-world-and-it-makes-me-so-happy kind of laugh, where my face smiles at the subtle differences because my heart is smiling on the inside. I want a marriage where both people strive everyday to be happy and to make the other person happy. I want a marriage where both people find fuel and vigor for life everywhere, where pain and suffering and happiness and joy and angst and confusion are all ingredients that we need to survive, and each are tasty in their own way. I want a marriage where both people strive to reduce chaos in the world. Where our shared values for what is good and right in the world directly translates to what is good and right for us at home. Where messes and annoyances are understood to be part of life, but are viewed as temporary things that each person seeks to remedy as soon as they are able; not where messes and annoyances are just tangible manifestations of the emotional condition of both people. I want peace, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I want a marriage where neither person cares about being right, where right and wrong don't really even matter, but where it is the discussion of everything that is the enjoyment. Where both people are able to look at every side of something and find truth there. Where "your way" and "my way" are truly, truly able to melt together and become "our way." A marriage where everything is reciprocal, that each gives all they can without fear or guilt or shame, and where even if they do feel those things, that its safe to talk about it, without judgment or criticism. Where excuses and defenses aren't needed, and thus aren't used. Reciprocity. Partners. Benefit of the doubt. Love. Freedom. Abdication of power. No control. Love. Laughter. Fun. Dreams. Concerns. Peace. Life.

arm tattoo version 3

my right arm started with just the Texas, which, admittedly, wasn't the best tattoo i've ever seen. though i did get it done here in oklahoma on the day the tattoo law was passed (it wasn't yet in effect then, of course). so, several months later i had it re-done, as well as added the outlines of numerous stars. last week, those stars were colored in, so now it looks like this:


much more to be added to it in the future. hopefully by summer. until then...

uncle andy

Val had her kiddo on Feb 21st, named her Layla Lee Boucher. 8lbs 6oz. And yes, I have pics:

Birthday:


Since then:




Cute little thing, isn't she?

adios bushy

launched a new cafe press store today: Adios Bushy. Buy something!

merry scooter christmas

From OKCCSC Xmas p...

pics from the okc curiosity scooter club x-mas party are here.

wait...no, nevermind

i just spent the last hour or so reading over all of my past posts, dating back to July 2005. i've never been big on journaling, and this blog has definitely been the longest running diary-type device that i have ever completed. realizing that, i decided that i could not, in good conscious, cease to post to this blog. i may post identical entries to both myspace and here henceforth, but i cannot abandon this. not yet.

blog on!

this is the end. my only friend, the end.

my browser is set to use this blog as its default home page, which means i see the same post every day, and everyday i see that i haven't posted a new entry in a very long time. almost two months now, actually.

even more sad is that i have posted a new entry to my myspace blog in that time period. (okay, so it was just this week, but still). and so, i think i'm going to have to bite the bullet and own up to the fact that active blogging is a thing of the past for me, and since i don't do it as much, i am going to just let this blog die. as much as i like blogger's format and ease of use, i realize that my peak blogging behavior (as well as that of many of my formerly frequent-blogging friends) has waned considerably. this is primarily due to the rise in popularity of myspace, i'm sure. and, as much as i hate to admit it, despite it's ugly, ad-ridden interface, frequent downtime, and infestation by ridiculously annoying bands, adolescents, fake profiles, spammers, phishers, pornographers, and friends, i am a myspace addict, and i must feed my addiction. and to be honest, i like having everything in one place.

so, thanks for the laughs, the cries, and the conversations, blogger. i won't even delete you...i'll let you live on in legacy, until google says you've been inactive for too long and casts you into the darkened void of electromagnetic oblivion.

adios.

mas fotos

Here's the link to all the pics from the Pandora Strikes Back rally that have been posted on scoot.net:

http://scoot.net/gallery/2006/09/pandora/alltinyindex.html

Good stuff.

ukulele

the other day i was referred to the following video:


then today, i found the midnight ukulele disco. contains some pretty interesting covers, and several very funny/odd songs, such as angels gave me roofies, transgender bender, and who's got the crack.

moore's honor

to celebrate my sister, i am including four fantastically gross pictures from an episode several years ago. while sitting in a graduate school class, i received a text message that said "bambi won't sleep well tonight!" upon arriving home to my apartment, i parked next to val's chrysler sebring, and then saw this:she had loaned her car to a friend, and he was involved in a multi-car collision with a deer (he was the 4th vehicle to hit the animal). car was totalled, and val let it sit in front of the girls' dorm for several days while she waited on the word from state farm.

so here's to you, val: to all the black eyes, car accidents, and living with sloppy roommates; to conquistador andy, hallway rivalries, and throwing tonka trucks; to jerky boyfriends, kaybee toys, el chico, and chili's; to old lady perms, bee stings, legos and barbie; to being a moore and not liking chores; to liking to party and eating real hearty. may the best be yet to come. you are...conquistador valerie!

gonzo

despite my best efforts to always back up my computer data, i lost everything last night. i'll spare you the details here, but rest assured that the always prepared andy was out maneuvered by a box of wires and metal. the bastard. it's all gone - pictures, mp3s, banking information, bookmarks, quickbooks data, clinic- and school-related files - everything. gone.

i feel like my dog just died.

so, after hours of re-installations and updates, i think that i am officially back to the beginning. perhaps this event will help my wife see the need for that second hard drive on the RAID controller...

do you realize??

Finally, here are the pics from the Flaming Lips show. A couple of comments to begin: (1) No, I didn't take these personally. More on that later. (2) Though I didn't take them, I apologize on behalf of the person who did for their semi-poor quality. (3) I don't know whose hand is in several of the photos. I think it was the short girls in front of us. Consider this public flogging for their henious act of overt photo terrorism. Now, more pics!

Steven Drozd (below), guitarist, keyboardist, and very generous soul who made it possible for us to have the VIP passes. Gracias, my friend.

(below)View from our position looking back into the crowd. Does not do justice to the number of people who turned out for the show. I do like the woman in the habit, though, especially because she appears to be nine feet tall.

(below) An innumerable amount of confetti and balloons were released during the show, shooting several hundred feet back into the crowd. At times, it felt like it was raining happiness.

(below, both) Wayne hypnotizing/communing with the crowd. Frickin' girls and their hands.
(below) Girls on left side of stage dressed as aliens. Opposite them were people dressed as Santa Claus. All were from the crowd; they just happened to be lucky enough to get pulled onstage. All around, it was an amazing show. The degree to which Wayne was able to involve the crowd - physically, mentally, emotionally - added an extra umph that continues to make Flaming Lips concerts not just a musical performance but a participatory event for all who attend. One of the most powerful moments during the show occured when Wayne said that one of the best things about a Flaming Lips concert (and indicative of their fans) is that no matter how crazy or insane a crowd may be at one of their concerts, you never have to worry about something dangerous or harmful happening.

synæsthesia

recently i have had several discussions with my lpc supervisor, stacey, concerning our experiences as synesthetes, that is, having the condition of synesthesia. a brief explanatory comment:

neuroscientists have verified that synesthesia is a specific condition, which occurs when an individual who receives a stimulus in one sense modality simultaneously experiences a sensation in another, e.g. hearing sound in color. (see the wikipedia link above for specific descriptions of the various types of synestheisa)


our first conversation about synesthesia was rather eye-opening (pun intended). since that time, my investigations into the phenomenon have yielded an increasing amount of self-affirming information, helping me to gain a greater understanding of how i have always related to the world.

while many synesthetes report experiences during childhood where they made comments such as "play the purple music," i fear that my desire to conform to what i believed to be the right & proper way of viewing life instead caused a suffocation of expression and creativitiy. obviously certain aspects of my synesthesia have been quite useful, such as how i view the calendar (as a whole year and as it breaks down into months, weeks, days, etc.). to say to someone "this weekend is a couple of tall towers" would likely result in a reprimand of some sort; however, viewing upcoming days in terms of color and size is quite helpful if you are making plans. perhaps that has contributed to my rejection of a daily organizer for the majority of my life.

i am excited at this [seemingly] new lease on life. as my superego allows my id's color to flow into my ego, my perspective on many aspects of life is changed. emotional content that was once reigned in by monochromatic conformation powerfully bursts forward. i feel as if i am living the life of pleasantville.

partially unrelated, this is a red-letter weekend. tonight (thursday) i will be seeing jason boland's acoustic show at the wormy dog saloon, followed by tomorrow's "margarita friday" celebration and the flaming lips (see below). naturally, reviews and pics to follow.

Toe - Day 1: Well, we won.

My indoor soccer team, The Ticks, won our fourth game of the season last night. With a 9-2 victory over first-place rivals Code Blue, we launched ourselves into a commanding first place position going into the second half of the season.

However, about halfway thru the first half, I attempted to "clear" a ball out of our end of the field, and in doing so drove my foot into the heel of an opposing player. While he did have to take a seat for a little while, it looks like I may have received the worse end of the deal:

I feel I should note that I decided the injury was not life threatening, and being that we only had 2 subs, I played most of the second half, albeit at a slightly slower pace than usual. And yes, I did score a goal with the afflicted foot, but boy did it hurt.

The colors continue to worsen as time passes, so I'll try to post some daily pics over the next few days in case it gets real pretty.

For another nicely-colored past injury, see here. I kicked myself.

100 mpg

New toy is taking up space in Mantown: